I have literally absolutely nothing to fret about this morning. And yet, there seems to be
this constant pattern of me feeling a nagging doubt. And I've talked about this multiple
times. multitude of times. And yeah. So yes, I'm starting Monday with trepidation. Nothing
unusual for me. I'm trying to look at that trepidation as nothing more than a habit I fallen
into. I've been trying to break the habit very seriously. And yet, when I, when I really work
on it, as much as I want to eliminate it from my vocabulary, it persists.
Case in point.
There's a shower today for three women at school, which I have not prepared for,
primarily because I didn't have time and secondarily, because I don't really want to. And
so if I stay true to myself, I won't make excuses. I just won't go. But there's that part of me
that believes, oh, they look at me like I'm such a curmudgeon, because I don't participate
in social events. But every time I have, even if it's only to drop off the gift for the person I
marginally am acquainted with, I feel crappy, because I stand in a corner where everyone
talk make small talk, that I'm not good at. I'm good at one on but not in a group. So if I
stay true to myself, I feel like an outcast. If I do what's expected of me, I feel disingenuous.
What's the person to do this trying to feel better about herself.
I'm not going I'm not apologize. I don't trust not trying to make excuses for either.
The other part of my anxiety, fear, whatever you want to label it, is the fact that I am going for my licensure. And there was a form Katie has to fill out which I put in our mailbox on Friday, and asked her to please, you know, fill it out. And if she needs further documentation, I do have it.
Well, in doing so, I'll rest all of my hopes in just that. One act of Will she won't she? And in
my heart, I think Well, there's no reason she shouldn't. But then I've been in that situation
when she follows the letter of the law. And I feel like I do everything by the book. And she
still questions me on some piece of it. So I'm, I'm waiting with very heavy heart to see
whether she actually signed off on it and she's gone all week from during the day. So
hopefully, if she hasn't signed off on it, or I don't have, I'm hoping that the best case
scenario is she signed off on it. The second best is that I don't get anything at all.
In some ways, when I'm in school I feel more isolated and when I'm not. Because I feel as
though no matter how hard I try, there are always teachers who classroom teachers who
search for the worst in you.
And when they find it. They label it, they hold it in their heart, and they don't let go.
There's a couple of teachers who've been hardened to me over the years on and off and
one that, in particular that I've got nothing but gracious with all these years, and I've
given her things and I've been kind to her still just acts like I launder money.
I'm finally having to come to the realization that you can't get everyone to like you. no
matter what kind of person you are.
And maybe in some ways it's a blessing because I don't really need that many people.
I am happy that parents like me and I try my best with their students with their children.
But when I have classroom teachers who are either ambivalent or just hostile.
01:19
I just kind of sigh and think, well, I'm a nice person. I try my hardest.
What is your problem? It's not mine anymore I'm going to lay it on the shoulder and at the
feet of those who make me feel less than, who I am, which is a good and hardworking time
person with flaws, which we all have the other teacher who's just got mad at me recently
and hasn't let go of it is one that over the years I thought I had a good working
relationship with. And now just because of one little mistake. And it wasn't even
completely my fault.
She seems to be holding a grudge against me, and she won't talk and she acts very aloof
and I'm going to apply what I said before to this teacher as well. It's not my problem. It's.
I'm trying my best.
I always say I'm sorry, and I work hard to gain trust again but you know what, I don't trust
her now. Nor know more than I trust the teacher that I see, and the name will go unsaid
flitting from room to room, knowing full well that there's a lot of gossip in those flips. So
keep your head high Kim. Keep working for what you know is true, and good and kind and
those that don't accept your humility, compassion, or humaneness.
Just leave them alone, stay away from them.