Having not written since April 11th, I have completely lost the thread of number of days, number of weekends, days since NDI and since the beginning of the year. This goes in conjunction with a form of superstitious behavior. For that reason, I have been recording on OTTER and saving the PDFs, but haven't had time to upload them. The big news is
I Finished My Essay and Coursework!!!!
I am done with grad school!!!!!!
Here are my thoughts from the week after vacation, when I finally began breathing again....
Monday, April 22, 2019
As I stand here at the beginning of my new week after vacations. On the corner, waiting
for the #39. I have my usual Monday morning dread worry, anxiety, but something is different about it today. I'm trying to technique called floating, which is a feeling of acknowledging all of those feelings, but not focusing on the physical, how it makes me feel more just acknowledging
that's. And then I have anxiety and this is what it's about and talking to myself about it,
giving myself permission to actually feel that way without repercussions for the judgment.
And though I still have that perpetual feeling of dread. I'm not judging myself so therefore, I know it will pass I can feel that right now I can feel that I am somewhat floating above it I'm not mired in that anxiety.
It's not going away. but it's not getting worse, which is, in and of itself, an accomplishment to be perceived and celebrated.
Monday is hard, I acknowledge that. I will do everything in my power to reinforce what is good and what, how I am feeling blessed. And when those insecure feelings prop up, remind myself their feelings. No one can diminish my word. My value or my individuality.
Tuesday, April 23, 2019
Well my Monday dread has transcended into Tuesday. And it's a little worse. Only because
yesterday was clearly not a disaster so I always predict that the following day will be
worse. So what I need to do is just keep everything in perspective and be calm about it and learn
that, learn from those days where I, everything is okay that everything will be okay today,
even though it doesn't feel like it.
Wednesday, April 24, 2019
Anxiety-dread-worry. These are words for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. It starts
to dissipate somewhat, by Wednesday with one more elective for the week and therefore, one more time of anticipating disaster.
So far this week it's been really good and I have to accept that as being the norm, not the
exception. But whenever I'm on my way to school I just have this feeling of, "how do I get through my day? What will I do wrong?" And I guess what I have to realize is, when it goes when anything goes right for me, it's being in the moment it's not thinking
well my thought shouldn't be what will happen next, but just to live into what has actually happened. When I'm in synchronicity with the universe and not feeling as though I'm fighting
something or, or struggling so much.
These existential thoughts are just part of being of what it is to be a human and so today I
choose to accept those thoughts. Tomorrow, I hope I can revel in it, and Friday I can look back and reflect on how I grown. In this week on this week during this week, and then next week, build upon that.
Monday, April 29, 2019
I haven't had time to write.
I finished my essay for my master's work on Saturday with a lot of help and editing it from
Tom.
I am less anxious than I've been in a while because we're so near the end of school.
I feel like I like to have students have a grasp on how to work with them and not to
holding too tight and grip but also having expectations that are reasonable.
And I only have one day a week have to stay after school which is amazing, after having
three to four days after school for what felt like a sustained period of about eight weeks.
So I enter this end of April, April 29 with a heart that is bursting with happiness and a mind that is ready and able, and wants to start writing again but I haven't had a lot of time for that just for my own benefit. Maybe today. I can transpose this into my blog and mark the beginning of a new phase of my work, my life, my.
Tuesday, April 30, 2019
It is Tuesday the last day of April, and I started the day with more anxiety than yesterday, primarily because I have a rehearsal tonight I haven't had time to work on that and honestly I'm in the wind down mode at school so I feel like I'm not even in the mood to work on anything new on today. I promised the CAD students, we would do a new piece. So, I've been racking my brain as to what music to use nothing has really jumped out at me. Then this morning it hit me there's two pieces which I kind of hate, but they're pop music with cleaner lyrics.
And one song is called Havana, which I like a lot, and the other one is Uptown Funk, which is a Bruno Marks song, which I love, but could never use because of its lyrics. So I have a start to it and that's all I need. I don't have to have it completely envisioned, which makes my day feel a little less acutely anxious.
In terms of electives, I'm lowering expectations, not for the kids, but for myself. I can only do what I can do with a group of 30 kids. And there's about 20 that will work, and 10 that will never do anything and I won't beat myself up over that. My main objective I've said this before, is just to keep them safe. And inside the classroom. If they're not upsetting me or anybody else, honestly. Sounds like a bad attitude, but you can reach you can reach you can teach you can teach, but when you get to a certain point where students don't. I can't motivate them at this point. And that's all I'm going to say about that subject, my bus is about to come. I'm looking forward to having a wonderful Wednesday because it's short day and it's more time off. So, signing off for now.
Friday, May 3rd, 2019
I made it!! So here I stand on the corner of South Huntington, and Ruggles It's Friday. It's been a pretty productive week. I am extremely tired physically, mentally, not as much so I'm done with so much of my stress and the parts that are left I'm going to just have to accept and embrace and give myself the challenge of trying to read into everything, it never seems like Friday is as stressful and I think it's because I know I can see the end for the week of course. But, on the other hand, one of the things I've been noticing this year about myself that I haven't in previous years, is that on Fridays, I start to worry about Mondays already which is kind of counterproductive when you're trying to think of your weekend as your refreshment time. So, one of my big goals for this weekend is to get done the work I need to do and yes, I will think about Monday. But I'm going to try my very hardest, not to obsess about it. I'm going to float through the weekend a little bit, the imagery of floating for those difficult periods of the day has been most useful and I'm going to try to surpass that in terms of usage. In other words, I'm going to try to use that during the weekends, because by floating during the weekend I can probably recharge in a meaningful way. And when I need to be in a floating position, I have energy to think and breathe and live.