It is starting to feel real. Today, I will begin packing, which I usually do weeks in advance. For some reason I have been dragging my feet. I am going to see Karen today to talk through it; haven't been to therapy in 4 weeks! But beyond that it is that feeling I always have when I begin something. At the beginning, before it happens there is a sense of dread.
That lack of motivation is a feeling of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of looking inept, fear of failing. This fellowship, I hope, will start to erode that self-doubt and build a new set of confidence muscles.
My stratey for doing so is just being who I am. Not feeling I have to be anyone other than impossible, undeniably anxious me. Who am I? What do I like about me?
Not that I like it, but I am really good at making conversation with strangers
I like to smile and do so readily
My sense of justice is very strong
I am empathetic to a fault
Enthusiasm is an adjective people use about me
I think I exhibit a joie de vive that is infectious
My work ethic is strong
So there is a bit to be confident about and that is what I want to celebrate in the days, hours and minutes of going forward.